Say my name say my name ✨
I love my full name, but I don’t often use it.
Henrietta (Hen-ree-et-uh) is kind of unusual. A lot of people say Hen-rita, or they shorten it to Hettie or Hen. Which I’m not into.
Because I don’t feel like any of those names. I feel like an Ettie.
When I started calling myself Ettie - without saying Henrietta at all - I felt so much more like myself.
Today’s newsletter is about the magic of names. We’ll look at:
Why names matter,
How to get people’s names right,
How to help people understand your name.
Why names matter
“A name is way more than a combination of letters” says Maya Welford, founder and host of the podcast That's My Name. “Names are enriched with meaning.”
"Our names provide a rich opening to our identity and culture” says Juliana Ogechi of No Shame In My Name. “In many ways, they also tell the stories of our lives. Names go beyond social or cultural cues and speak to our humanity.”
But those precious stories and meanings are so often lost. When people stumble, go silent or give up and call us something else.
Who gets misnamed
People from minoritised communities are the most likely to have their names spelled wrong, pronounced wrong, or not said at all.
If you have a common English name, you’ve probably never had someone get your name wrong (unless it’s that substitute teacher).
Names aren’t always easy.
But it’s interesting whose names we make an effort for.
I have learned every spelling of Ashley.
Meanwhile, people of the Global Majority hear things like:
“That’s too tricky, I’ll never learn it.”
“Do you have an English name?”
“Tafadzwa’s too difficult to say, I’m going to call you Tiffany.”
We can learn new things
Of course, learning new names can be tough. We might:
be unable to hear/lip read what someone’s saying,
have a stutter (disfluency),
find spelling extremely difficult.
So we won’t always get it right.
But a lot of the time, we can. And I’ve got tons of practical tips to help you. 😊
As Uzo Aduba’s mother said to her: “If they can learn to say Tchaivoksky, and Michelangelo, and Dostoyevsky… they can learn to say Uzoamaka.” 💁🏾♀️
Or my favourite: “Amiga, if they can learn to say charcuterie… they can say your name.”
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Because names matter.
Names reflect who we are
Joanne Monck is a trans woman. As Joanne transitioned, it felt important for her to choose a new name.
For anyone who’s on a gender identity journey, being called your old name can be incredibly harmful. While choosing a new name can feel like coming home.
“My mum’s name was Anne-Josephine, says Joanne on That’s My Name. “People called her Jo. As a legacy from my mum, I decided to merge Jo and Anne together. I wanted something that rang true to me.”
Names show our values
Changing a name can say something about who we are, and where we come from.
Like Phoebe Arslanagić-Wakefield, who says: "I added Arslanagić, my mother’s surname, to mine around nine years ago when I began to better understand the violence and ethnic cleansing she had fled in Bosnia in the 1990s. Part of me felt that by having no Bosnian Muslim trace in my name, I was contributing to the efforts to ethnically cleanse Bosnian Muslims."
Names show respect
Repeatedly getting someone’s name wrong is often called a micro-aggression. But there’s nothing micro about it.
“I've spent my whole life correcting people on my name's pronunciation, pre-empting mispronunciations and dealing with daily micro-aggressions, such as being left out of meeting introductions because people are so scared to get my name wrong” says Kaammini Chanrai, Diversity, Equity & Inclusion Senior Manager at Warner Bros. Discovery.
Why misnaming is harmful
Research on school students (like this 2012 study) shows that getting names wrong can cause long-lasting emotional harm.
“Even just stumbling over a name was something significant that participants have remembered for many years.”
It can force people to change their name completely.
Neelam’s story
“My name has been pronounced as Knee-Lamb since I was quite young” says Neelam Keshwala, founder of DON'T SLEEP ON US.
“But at home it's always been 'Nih-lum'. Meaning, blue, or sapphire in the ancient south asian language Sanskrit.
“The westernised pronunciation always felt so removed from what I identified with, and yet I put up with. With this came bullying at high school. People baa-ing like a sheep at my name. People pointing to their knees. When I went to university in the north of England this pronunciation became so difficult to teach a predominantly white environment that it was easier to shorten my name to simply 'Nee'. It was almost a re-branding of my identity.
“When I joined my current job, at culture change organisation Utopia, it was a priority for my teammates to pronounce my name properly. And so it happened, the return of my identity.
“The sound of my name as my mum said it sounded so sweet coming out of clients’, colleagues’ and new friends’ mouths. Being able to introduce myself with the name that was given to me feels more than just a pronunciation that's right - it feels like being seen. Being respected for who I am. Being respected full stop.”
Respect is mutual
The same people who complain about names being “too difficult” are often the same people who complain about other people’s level of spoken English.
What a missed opportunity for empathy.
“I have learned how to pronounce Western names properly so the same should be returned” says Heyab-Mariam Ogbasion.
How to get people’s names right
👉 No drama
“My name’s spelled with an -ee at the end, and my sister is Krystle” says Destinee. “White people tend to make a big deal out of this. They ask us how to spell it three or four times, or raise their eyebrows.”
Try not to make a big deal out of a non-standard name spelling. What you consider unusual is often totally usual, just not in your context.
👉🏿 Practise
Practise saying the name 10 times out loud (when the correct pronunciation is fresh in your memory). Spell it out in a way that makes sense to you.
Take your time. Be patient, but firm with yourself.
👉🏻 Find a pronunciation guide
Online guides aren’t perfect, but they’re a good start. Then you can check with that person: “Hi Saoirse [ser-sha] – am I saying your name right?”
Try NameShouts, PronounceNames, or Forvo.
👉🏾 Know that everyone is different
You might meet an Ava who says their name Ay-va, Ar-va or Ah-va. Worry less about what the guide says, and more about what real people tell you.
👉 Just ask
“I am always receptive to people asking how I pronounce my name” says Heyab. “It's so much better than avoiding (or worse) asking if I have a nickname.”
👉🏿 Think beyond spelling
“If it’s spelled Ta-Nehisi, why is it said Ta-Na-ha-si? That doesn’t make any sense!”
If you’re reading this, you already know that enough, plough and through aren’t said how they’re spelled. So don’t worry too much about Ta-Nehisi.
👉🏾 See names as unpractised
If we say things like “that’s too hard for me to say”, we send a message that some names are normal or neutral, and others are hard.
But no name is inherently hard to learn. It depends what phonemes (sounds) you’re familiar with.
“Like learning the piano or playing sports, the level of practice will be different for each individual” writes N'Jameh Camara. “To “practise” places the responsibility on the learner to adapt their ear.”
👉 Use a memory device
Try telling a story in your mind. For example, when Kaammini tells me that her name is like Harmony with a C sound, I might picture an orchestra playing a harmony, and a giant letter C swinging into the orchestra.
👉🏻 Accept correction
“Don't dismiss when someone corrects you on the pronunciation of their name” says Neelam. “Be happy they're willing to share it with you.”
👉 Automate
“I’m dyslexic - I find spelling really hard” says Jack. “It’s not personal if I can’t get your name right.”
Add new names to the custom dictionary on your phone, so it autocorrects. You could also use tools like autotext or Magical.
👉🏿 Names aren’t the same
Learn about naming structures around the world.
In Iceland, parts of Southern India, Malaysia and Indonesia, for example, people usually have a given name and a patronymic. In Japan, Korea, Hungary and China, family name usually comes before given name.
👉 Correct yourself
Been saying someone’s name wrong for years? Today’s a great time to fix that. You could say, “I realise I’ve been getting your name wrong all this time, I’m so sorry. Can you say it for me?” Then practise privately until you get it right.
How to help people understand your name
👉 Find something similar
“When I simplify ("It's like Harmony with a C sound") it works a charm” says Kaammini, “But I also like to share the meaning or tell a quip about the spelling so people remember it for the future.”
👉🏿 Break it down
“I help people pronounce it by breaking it down to two syllables” says Heyab. “He (like the pronoun) and ya (like ya in "see ya!") + b. Very easy!”
👉 Show the pronunciation
On Slack, you can record audio of how to say your name.
Or write a description, like: “Eh-tee, rhymes with Betty.”
On LinkedIn, you can include a recording.
“I even have the pronunciation in my email signature, and introduced this as a tool in my previous job” says Kaammini.
Got a common name that people always get right? You can still share the pronunciation! It helps normalise talking about, asking and practising proper pronunciation.
👉🏻 Tell the meaning
“My name means "gift" in Tigrinya, a language spoken in Eritrea and northern Ethiopia” says Heyab. “My parents put a lot of thought into choosing my name.”
Our brains are hardwired for stories. If you share the meaning of your name, or the story of where it came from, it usually helps people remember.
That’s all! What did you think? Got a story about your name? Or a tip you want to share? Hit reply and let me know! 👋
I dare any non-native Portuguese speaker to ever pronounce the name João correctly. The "ão" syllab is a sound that does not exist in other languages so unless you are born into a native portuguese environment you will never get it right. Met many, many people that learned portuguese later in life and are fluent in the language - and still can't pronounce the "ão" correctly and never will.
as a 'Carolina' migrating from Peru I relate only too well! infact I will never forgot when, at 13 years old my teachers announced thatI would be 'Carol' as my name was 'too long and confusing'...since then all my school friends I still speak to call me 'Carol'
and that is now a term of affection but its complicated! Nevertheless your piece made me think of the amazing Havfy- an award winning artist with a smashing spoken word poetry video:
https://www.tiktok.com/@_havfy/video/7162650093349309702?is_from_webapp=v1&item_id=7162650093349309702