Are you an unlikeable woman? I am 😈

Come on in, the liberation is lovely ✨

Hi friend,

Are you unlikeable?

I’m an unlikeable woman. And proud.

I just got back from the Unlikeable Woman TM Summit.

Holy f***, it was incredible. And I want to tell you all about it!

Want to join me on a day trip to the land of unlikeable women?

Come with me, and find out why I left the day feeling forever changed: bolder, more confident, more certain than ever.

Women get called unlikeable, a lot

Did you know:

• 56% of women were called “unlikeable” in their appraisals (yes, their work appraisals) compared to 11% of men.¹

• 78% of women were called “emotional” in their appraisals, versus 16% of men.

• Women are 7 times more likely to internalise this negative feedback, to believe it and carry it with them.

Sound familiar?

Likeability is a trap

Likeability keeps us small.

It traps oh so many of us.

(It’s not just women and minoritised genders.

Black, Brown, Disabled, fat, gay, neurodivergent, queer, trans people.

Anyone who’s been called “too much.” Anyone who’s been called “not enough.”)

We’re all targeted by systems of oppression.

Including what Tamu Thomas calls “the unholy trinity.” Patriarchy. Capitalism. White supremacy.

They all keep us squashed in a prison of likeability.

But, to quote Amy Kean:

“You can achieve a hell of a lot when you're unlikeable” - Amy Kean

How to be an Unlikeable Woman™

The rules of the Unlikeable Woman ™ Summit include:

1. Do show emotions,

2. Do share opinions (56% of women don't share opinions because they're worried about being liked!)

3. Do yell, whoop, stand, clap.

4. Do-nate. Donate to Good Shout for Girls.

A line-up of life heroes

The speakers included some of my genuine life heroes and some I’d never heard of until today, but now admire and love:

• Anna Bogutskaya

• Anniki Somerville

• Ausome Charlie

• Dr. Charlotte Proudman

• Jane Evans

• Laura Bates

• Laura Mathias

• Lyza Lamal

• Misha B

• Samantha Baines

• Tamu Thomas

• Yinka Ewuola

I tried to write up every speaker, but this was 22 pages long! So this is a selection of some of my highlights from the day. And yes, it’s still ridonkulously long.

Don’t blame me. Blame Amy Kean and her coven of Unlikeable Women.

If you couldn’t be there, I hope you’ll get to sample some of the magic.

Dr Charlotte Proudman

First up, it’s Dr Charlotte Proudman.

She’s been called a “Femin**i” for her work in exposing how sexism is built into the legal system.

The bar (aka barristers, which is a type of lawyer) attacked Dr Proudman for calling out injustice.

They argued for their right to call her a c*** and a b****.²

“Some people don't like me, I don't care.”

“I don’t want to be liked. Not if wanting to be liked by misogynists and sexists means not calling out misogyny and sexism.

Who am I trying to impress? Certainly not them.”

What I learned from Dr Charlotte Proudman

Patriarchy is doing what it was designed to do

• Patriarchal design isn't incidental, it is foundational.

• A lot of her wise words remind me of what Audre Lorde and bell hooks say about patriarchy: if you love Dr Charlotte Proudman, you will love the work of Black feminists Lorde and hooks.

• Myths like “why didn’t she leave?” and then “how dare she leave” and “she’s not a perfect victim: she’s too intelligent, or not intelligent enough” play out every day in court.

• Safeguarding is being weaponised against those that it should protect (for example, gag orders protect abusers).

• Mental health is weaponised to attack women who disrupt injustice. Dr Proudman’s clients have been labelled unstable or unwell (when frequently, their only “illness” is that they’ve challenged abuse). Colleagues have said she should be sectioned, that her views on women’s rights “have clouded her judgement.” Yep: she does labour under the delusion that women have rights.

Activism is joyful

• “It was a great night out.” That’s how she describes a protest outside the Garrick Club. The literal embodiment of the boys’ club. Or it was, until Dr Proudman and her community successfully got them to accept women. Badass.

• When asked, by Yinka Ewuola, how she fuels herself, she said:“I get fired up by coming to places like this. It gives me connection, it means that I'm being true to myself. Speaking and expressing myself is catharsis. It's who I am, it's core to me.”

• “My female friends are like family to me.” She referenced the book My Brilliant Friend by Eleanor Ferrante about close female friendships. And my god, Dr Proudman's words felt like an invitation to - and an exaltation of - (female) community, connection and solidarity.

Your voice is powerful

I was deeply moved when she talked about hearing the voices of protestors outside her hearing.

They chanted “bull sh** board” while the Bar Standards Board was deliberating on whether she was “guilty.”

One woman's voice can shake the entire establishment.

Everyone has a voice

When I say voice, I’m using it as a metaphor.

I don’t mean that everyone speaks.

Maybe, like me, you can’t speak when you’re overwhelmed or stressed (this is common among some autistic people who experience shutdowns). Or you’re non-speaking. Or speak one of the many sign languages. Or use gesture.

Voice is a metaphor for how we express ourselves.

Tamu Thomas

I’ve been obsessed with Tamu Thomas for quiite a long time now.

She was one of the main reasons I wanted to go to the Unlikeable Woman Summit.

Her talk: The Power of No.

(4 words. That’s all it took: I knew I needed to be there. Less is more, folks!

Says the person who wrote a 22 page summary of a 1 day event.)

The power of no

Tamu says:

“I pride myself on giving people back their discomfort.

“Their discomfort… is not on me. I talk about the systems and structures that gaslight us into believing that the things we experience are our fault.

“I talk about white supremacy, patriarchy and capitalism. I call them the trinity of oppression. They ruin women's lives.

“I say no to burnout disguised as ambition, to contorting myself for people's comfort. Systems that reward my productivity, but punish me for my personhood. I say no to performance and politeness at the expense of my peace.

“We might see our no as a sign of weakness, but that is wisdom and resilience.”

Our bodies know the answer

• We can get so used to minimising ourselves, making ourselves palatable.

• But your body knows. Tamu: “My body was begging me not to betray myself. This is wisdom, do not mistake this for weakness. When you pay attention to those sensations, you become your own safe haven.”

• Our nervous systems are “hardwired for connection. We do need to be liked on a survival level, but that doesn't override our need to be valued.”

I vow to be unlikeable

This phrase became a chant, as Tamu asked us to repeat after her:

“I vow to be unlikeable.”

We called it back to Tamu, we shouted it back, as she invited us time and time again to put our hands in the air and say: I vow to be unlikable.

Every time we did it, it gave me chills.

Tamu continued, she said, “every time we abandon ourselves, we teach the world that our safety and comfort is optional. It is not optional.”

“The cost of being agreeable is often our integrity. As a toddler, we say no like it's our birthright. And then, those strong, forthright, natural nos fade away because conditioning starts to chip away at us.

“Be a good boy, be a good girl, be a good child. Everything that constitutes being a good girl or a good woman is the opposite of a no.

“Saying no might make you unlikeable, but it absolutely makes you unforgettable.”

Say no to giving your f***s away freely. Keep them in a VIP handbasket
- Tamu Thomas

Tamu’s invitations really remind me of the work of Tricia Hersey. If you love the work of Tricia Hersey, I think you'll love Tamu’s and vice versa.)

“We must be prepared to let people be wrong about us. It is safer to rupture relationships with systems and people than with ourselves” - Tamu Thomas

You already know the answer

Tamu invited us: “Before you say yes, check in with your body, listen in.”

• “What sensations are present? Ask yourself, can I feel it in my body? Am I braced, or do I feel relaxed?”

• “This will help you decide. Because when you pay attention to and find a no, these no's will make sense. They will make way for juicy embodied yeses.”

• “Don't be half-arsed. Don't say a half-arsed yes. We want to say yes with two cheeks.”

Saying no can be healing

• “Ask yourself, if I wasn't afraid of looking bad or feeling bad, would I still say yes to this?”

• “Speak for the version of you that couldn't say no.”

• When you say no, you are also providing healing for former versions of you.”

• “The younger you is still inside you. She's waiting for evidence you are now free.”

Buy Tamu Thomas’ book, Women Who Work Too Much: Break Free from Toxic Productivity and Find Your Joy.

Laura Bates

AI has misogyny baked into it. I learned so much from Laura. She taught me:

• Hundreds of millions of men have downloaded apps that allow you to have an AI girlfriend that you can abuse in horrific, violent ways. Almost no-one is talking about this.

• We need to talk to kids about this, starting from when they’re very young. Laura gave some great examples of age-appropriate ways to talk about sexism.

• “It's really simple, you can do things like say, oh, look at the magazines, look, they're divided into a men’s section and a women’s section. In the men's section, you've got The Economist and The New Scientist.” And now I’m paraphrasing but: in the women's section, you've got a load of magazines where the front covers are all about weight loss. But the men’s covers are about advancing science and technology and creating change in the world.”

• Laura talked about sex robots that can be put on a so-called frigid setting to simulate r***. Sex robots that can be built to look exactly like a specific real person, based on a photo. When someone sends in a photo of this person, they don't need the permission of that person to have a sex robot built to look like them.

• Sexually explicit deepfakes are common. But barely any of the conversation on deepfakes and regulation is centring women and girls, the people most harmed by them.

• Laura got a question from the audience, about whether women are sometimes our own worst enemies, and Laura said something that will stay with me forever. She quoted Gloria Steinem saying: “Women don't have the power to be their own worst enemies. Keep your eye on where the power is.” I will take that quote with me.

Buy Laura Bates' book The New Age of Sexism: How the AI Revolution is Reinventing Misogyny.

Anna Bogutskaya is an icon. Image description: in front of a majestic stained glass window, Anna is standing and speaking at a lectern. She’s a white person with short dark hair, wearing a dark blue jumpsuit. A presentation on a screen next to her has the word ‘b*tch’ in capital letters, on a neon yellow backdrop.

Anna Bogutskaya

Anna Bogutskaya took us on a tour of unlikeable female characters: the women pop culture wants you to hate.

This was a wild ride, and utterly joyful.

Female characters throughout history have been burdened by the moral trap that is likeability. Any woman who dares to reveal her messy side has been treated as a cautionary tale.

Anna took us through Hollywood history, showing how the Hays Code, a sexist, racist, censorship code shut down cinematic storytelling and trapped women in ever smaller confines.

With razor sharp analysis, Anna showed how pop culture has found space for female rage and destruction, and what happens when we step outside of the likeability trap.

She introduced me to iconic characters, movies I’d never heard of, and stories I can’t wait to sink my teeth into.

Buy Anna’s book: Unlikeable Female Characters: The Women Pop Culture Wants You to Hate.

How to be yourself

Now some thoughts from a panel discussion chaired by Yinka Ewuola, with Lyza Lamal, Ausome Charlie, Laura Mathias and Tamu Thomas.

“When I stopped faking it, I got to know this amazing person called Yinka. I don't mind if you don't like it or me, but that's a you problem” - Yinka Ewuola

“I don't care if anyone in this room likes me, but I need to like me” - Laura Mathias

“You need 3 things: 1. Boundaries, 2. To recover from people pleasing, and 3. have a word with that control freak bully that's in your head telling you to please everyone and tell him to f*** off” - Ausome Charlie

“I don't go where I'm tolerated, I only stay where I'm celebrated” - Tamu Thomas

“If you don't like me, I love that for you. You have the right to have poor taste in people.” - Yinka Ewuola

Ella Morgan

Ella Morgan is a trans woman who appeared on TV show Married At First Sight. She called us to action. She said:

• “I wish more cis people were here for us as allies. You know, we trans women and trans people are so often there at the front lines of social justice movements.”

• “When George Floyd was murdered, I didn't ask my Black friends to educate me about anti-Black racism. I stood with them.

• “As my friend, can you have my back, can you support me, even when you don't experience that issue? We march with, protest, with support, are in solidarity with other communities that experience harm, so can you do that for us?

• “As trans people, we make up less than 1% of the population, we are a very easy target. But if they can do this to trans people, what they're doing now, demonising us. They can come after racial segregation, they can ban abortion, they can take away gay rights and gay marriage.

• “I don't think people realise the effect they can have. If you stand up as a cisgender and heterosexual person, and say that trans people matter and have rights, you probably have a bigger impact than me as a trans woman saying that.

• “To be taken seriously as a woman, I have to pass³ and perform constantly.”

• “I was just as much of a woman when I was waiting for my surgery, as after I got it. I was still a woman then, and I was just as much of a woman then before my surgery as I am now, because genitalia doesn't define you.”

• “I feel more scared than ever going into spaces because people know I'm trans. Even though I look how I do - I look like a beautiful woman, I paid for this! It was expensive! - when I go into a toilet or a changing room, I simply want to pee or shit or get changed.”

• We have to accept ourselves and love ourselves and give ourselves the validation we need, because if you don't accept yourself, and if you need validation from others, you'll always be searching.”

Misha B.

Misha B was labelled too confident, feisty, and - devastatingly - a bully, when she appeared on the X Factor.

Misha spoke incredibly movingly about how X Factor producers, judges and the media attacked her.

• “I went into X Factor with fire in my heart and I really did leave scorched.”

• “Louis Walsh could still go about his day during and afterwards. He never apologised or took accountability.”

But Misha was deeply harmed.

• “I was constantly painted as the angry Black woman, the angry Black girl, when really I was so full of pain for being silenced, not heard and not considered.”

• “I don't need to fight. Fight to be included in anybody else's club. I can just make my own, one where I can be myself, where I can exist freely, unapologetically, where I can look around and see people who look and exist just like me.”

• "They thought because my feet were tired, because my back no longer stood as straight as it once did, that I'd give up, but no chance.”

Misha sang the most incredible song, Real Bad Woman.

It gave me chills.

“Sisterhood' is the reason I'm still here. And sisters can be friends who've become sisters, people who walk alongside you."

Visit Misha B’s website to buy Misha B’s abstract art, and listen to Misha B’s music wherever you listen to music.

Next up (yes, there’s more) we had a panel chaired by Nicola Kemp, with Samantha Baines, Holly Ellis (the Scouse Scientist), Lyza Lamal and Anniki Sommerville

Accessibility is not ‘making a fuss’

“I found out that I was deaf⁴, aged 29. But I realised I’d actually been deaf from a much younger age than that” said Samantha Baines.

“So many of us are trained not to make a fuss. If there are no captions, “I’ll be sat here smiling, but I wouldn’t have a clue what’s going on.”

This one really hit for me. Samantha’s words reminded me of all the times that I've pretended to understand what's going on when I didn’t, because I haven't wanted to make a fuss.

Our critics often make our point for us

Holly, the Scouse Scientist, talked about accent bias and how every time she talks about accent bias, she gets loads of comments saying that Scouse people are thieves.

“Great. Your comments are proving my point! And you're also increasing my engagement.”

Samantha spoke hilariously, and movingly about how to respond when people try too shut her down. I look forward to using this exact line in the near future: “Why are you so angry, Clive?”

I love how Samantha, and so many other speakers today, showed how it's possible to channel joy and silliness.

She pointed out how the auto-captions⁵ spelled Anniki’s name as “anarchy”, and isn’t that perfect?

Joy is part of protest

“You can tell when someone's laughing. You can make quite a hard-hitting point by laughing at it, and nobody hates a woman more than when she's having fun.” Anniki Sommerville

“I'm a scientist. I’m also so many other things. I still like going out with my friends and getting drunk.” - Holly Ellis (the Scouse Scientist)

I almost censored what Holly said! But no. There’s no universe in which going out and getting drunk invalidates someone’s achievements.

(But it’s interesting how much the patriarchy has got in my head, that I nearly censored Holly’s remarks).

God forbid a woman contain multitudes.

What I learned from Jane Evans

Jane Evans took us on a tour of recorded history itself. This was at the end of a packed day, when I was ready for a quadruple espresso and a nap. But her talk had me on the edge of my seat.

I can’t do her ambitious survey of patriarchal history justice here. So all I’ll say here is that I never knew:

• the first recorded author was a woman, and

• the first known letter is from a woman complaining she didn’t receive the copper she ordered.

“White third-wave feminists told us to lean in but not to organise” she said. “Sheryl Sandberg told us to sit at the table, not flip it or bring a folding chair.”

“Patriarchy's most powerful weapon is the idea that women are in competition with each other.

“Women over 50 are 28% of the European population. We hold real power. We need to have a shared vision of what comes next and that means creating a social imagination.”

And hoo boy, does Jane have a vision for us.

Jane has a creative strategy for taking down the patriarchy. It’s punchy. It’s powerful.

And it’s - truly, this is my favourite thing of all - whimsical.

I invite you into Jane’s world of goddesses and reclaiming feminine power: the 7th Tribe.

Check out Jane’s movement, the 7th Tribe.

What men should do

• Lee Chambers from Male Allies closed the day. He asked: “What do you want me to tell the men I work with?”.

• And 250+ Unlikeable Women TM most certainly had ideas. Like a MANual with 12 simple actions men can do to be genuine allies for gender equity. Including this radical tip: spend 15 minutes listening to a woman in your life. Just listening.

• Our day ended with hundreds of fired-up people, inspired and angry and energised women, sharing ideas for action.

• We had so many actions to share, that we went way over time. Some might say… “too” many ideas? No chance.

• “Women are told to be quiet enough in life, I wasn’t going to tell anyone to stop speaking today” - Amy Kean.

I left full of energy and joy and hope and belief.

What I'm taking away from today is the power of voice, how much I want to claim it.

I'm taking and responding to Tamu's invitation when she asked us, I vow to be an unlikable woman.

I take this vow with me and I'm going to take up space, be disagreeable, be difficult.

Also, I realise my formatting is a bit all over the place.

I could spend another few hours tidying it up, but really, who would that be for? I reckon that might be me trying to be “good”, neat and palatable.

So here you go. Enjoy it as is. 😊

I vow to be an unlikeable woman

Like I said earlier: likeability is a trap.

I connect deeply with the Unlikeable Woman TM and all she represents.

But you don’t have to be a woman to be disliked and discriminated against (though it sure helps, amirite).

It’s about being overlooked and under-invested in. Over-scrutinised and under-supported.

Whether we’re women, or another minoritised gender.

Black, Brown, Disabled, fat, gay, neurodivergent, queer, trans, and so many other identities.

We’re all Unlikeable, if we’ve been told we are “too much” or “not enough.”

And we can all reclaim our voices, our space and our power.

I vow to be unlikeable.

Will you join me?

---

If you can, please donate to Good Shout for Girls.

1. Source: Textio’s ‘language bias in performance feedback 2024’ report. The data only mentions men and women. I reckon we can reasonably assume that minoritised genders (like non-binary folk) are probably not getting fair, factual, actionable feedback either.

2. I don’t see them making much noise about the news that Jo Sidhu, former chair of the Criminal Bar Association has been disbarred for misconduct. Interesting who is seen to threaten the reputation of the legal profession. And whose abuses are quietly swept under the carpet.

3. Passing has its origins during enslavement in the USA. It referred to Black people who “passed” as white and were able to escape some of the violence of anti-Black racism. It’s now used to mean “passing” as any identity that is policed or discriminated against. For example, “passing” as the gender that you know and feel yourself to be.

4. deaf, not Deaf. Let me know if you’d like an article on the difference between deaf and Deaf.

5. Auto-captions are the worst worst worst.